A Page from My Diary – Belize, June 21 2010
As I step off of the plane I am instantly hit with a heat that I know only too well. This reminds me of “my country”, Costa Rica, just a few skips to the south. In our little transport we pass houses typical of the Caribbean – brick and wooden buildings painted over in candy colored hues. Only here would teal, electric orange and lime green houses be coveted. We pass stretches of greenery and I think to myself, “hmm, this place looks like Guanacaste”. Shortly thereafter we pass the Guanacaste National Park and I chuckle. I would know those trees anywhere, you see, because they are “my trees”.
I briefly remember back to the anxiety that I felt on the plane; a mixture of guilt for having left behind my family and job and excitement for the journey that lies ahead. I realize that this is only a memory and the anxiety has vanished, melted away like the remnants of my makeup which is fighting a loosing battle to the heat. Just then, I remember why I am here – to hear myself again. To listen to that part of me that gets drowned out by all of the beliefs, paradigms, constraints, expectations and day to day demands. The ones that I have held for so long and no longer serve me. I am here to unlearn what I have learned and still take the 30 years of knowledge that I have gained and drop it into a bucket called wisdom, while detaching from expectation and past conditioning in order to truly move forward.
I am here to be reborn. Sometimes it is possible to make small adjustments and sometimes you have to burn it all to the ground in order to rise like the Phoenix. Hey, sometimes it “be’s” like that. I guess I learned a thing or two from the Scorpio’s in my life. I find it ironic that I would be carrying my second child right now (also a Scorpio) in the midst of my own rebirth. I almost feel forced into catharsis, despite my rational self, it’s like I have no choice. Arya has already taught me so much about myself, about who I want to be for her and for me. Pretty naïve of me to think that Edan wouldn’t do the same. These are some powerfully catalytic kids. I can’t wait to see the global change that they will bring.
For me, right now, it is clear – change or lay down and die. It sounds dire and in a way it is. So I choose life. My life, by my design. I choose me, for me and for us, and in the midst of this natural splendor I feel grateful for being in the drivers seat again.